I was convinced myself I’d be happy. You had taken over my mind and my soul and I wanted you. I seriously don’t recall what it was about you that enticed me, maybe it was for the fact that whom I grew up with were in your arms or maybe it was the 21 inch dumb box sitting in my living room that made me so fond of you, but I guess I will never know about it till I get rid of you.

          I bid farewell with a smile and sense of freedom to the tears and warm hugs which I wanted to run away from. I thought to myself, No more shall I be strangled by the beliefs and values which make no sense to me, no more shall I have to convince myself to wake up every morning and make myself believe that I am following the path that leads to nowhere. I’m happy, happy that I am free.

           I still recall those days when I felt weak and alone. Those gloomy days which were filled with constant lectures from my dad reminding me how much he had spent to educate me, reminding me how he had saved every penny he could to ensure a bright future and how I had disappointed him every time. His constant lectures would eventually turn bitter when he took the role of an astrologer and predicted that someday I would be of no good wandering around hopelessly reflecting back onto my past and having no one else to blame for than myself. Maybe he was right or maybe he was wrong but I hated him, I hated him for the fact he always under estimated my potential.

           My mom, maybe I did connect to her a little better than my dad but her stereotypical conservative thinking made me feel I was alone and unwanted. “Son, Please cut your hair. You look like an addict. You know what the neighbors told me about you, ……., Do you know what your relatives are talking about you.......”.Seriously Mom? " No, I don't care", would be my answer cause I simply didn’t care but never dared to reply her back. Simple answers as such would turn quite dramatic and painful therefore, I tried to stay away from it. However, on occasions when I did reply back to her, she’d start looking up to the ceiling with tears in her eyes and would mumble to herself, “What wrong did I do in rearing you up? Oh! God forgive me if I did anything wrong in rearing this kid”. Mom, C’mon it wasn’t your fault. I was growing up; I just wanted my space but, Oh! Well who cared?

            My dad always wanted me to be a doctor, Guess the day I was born my fate was sealed, “And this young man here is going to be a doctor”, “Yea----aaaaaah”, cheered the crowd. But, did I want to be a doctor? I myself didn’t know. I somehow did pass the S.L.C examination with a first division; my parents were ecstatic and had already reserved plans for my further education. I was to study science in a private institution in the capital. Did I want to? I don’t think so because I believe I didn’t even know the difference between studying science, commerce or Arts.

            Unfortunately, I did complete my High school with a first division. My parents were proud but I don’t know if they were proud because I had completed my high-school with flying colors or if they were ecstatic that they could boast to the relatives and neighbors that their addict looking son was not an addict but rather an intelligent, studious guy who had a bright future. By now I was tired; I was tired of being instructed on what was right and what was wrong, I was tired for the lack of faith they had in me, I was tired for being tired.

            My parents wanted me to become a doctor but by now I had realized I was not ready to commit to something I didn’t even know if I wanted to be. What I wanted was to be alone somewhere far away where no one judged me, the sole dream of freedom and that was it, I,  I realized I needed you. For once I didn’t hesitate and I was convinced, I thought to myself, “I’d be free, free from all the obligations and chains which seemed to grip me tighter with each passing day”. I had decided that no more shall I live be indebted to something I never was happy about. No more shall I put on the fake smiles and walk with chains dragging across my feet. I wanted to be free and here I had a chance to be free.

              The bitter arctic weather was a warm welcome, I was alone and for that I was ecstatic. Those tears which I had left behind meant nothing to me infront of the freedom I had salvaged.  I was Free, free to be with you. I had heard a lot about you, I believed I had seen you and finally to get to feel you, it was a dream come true but I still haven’t found you.

               Days went by, with the exception of some phone calls and a lot of white lies I had to make up, I was never bugged again and my life could not have been better. Days soon turned into months and months into years but I still believed I hadn’t conquered what I came looking for. I was free but was I happy? Would I ever conquer what belonged to me?

               One cold morning, I woke up to find myself amidst the bars and the guards. The freedom I cherished for now seemed like an illusion. I am not guilty and never was. I pleaded, cried and crawled for innocence but to no avail. I was arrested, arrested for something I had never done, let alone ever even thought about. But, I was put under arrest and confined within the four walls of the prison. I didn’t require putting up with this for I had not sinned.

               I swear I hadn’t. Every person I met confined beyond those bars, I pleaded for my innocence and so did they.  They begged and swore for they too believed they hadn't sinned. If for all were innocence than was I guilty? Was it me who had persuaded and proven my innocence to myself to prove my self esteem to none other than my own ego when I was guilty? I was bemused, confused but utterly disappointed for now I realized I infact had sinned.

               The most valuable possession I cherished was no more with me. For that I longed, I gave up what I had. I ran away to conquer what I believed was mine but to no avail. Those times which I believed were torturous now seemed as a distant past which I seemed to cherish the most. Freedom is long gone, so are my dreams.

              Freedom for what I longed shall never be with me, Love for which I ran from shall never be after me. I shall serve my sentence, I am not for who I am for I am scared my parents will know who I am.

             I am sorry for who all believed in me…. But freedom I detest you… I came in search of you and you gave up on me or was it me who deserted you?

That was awesome, bro. Definitely something that a lot of us can relate to.Keep posting!!!

Haha!!! Thaaank u :)