Little Johnny

“God's Handles”

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

“Little Johnny's Letter to Santa”

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would verymuch like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even
help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FOOKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FOOK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FOOKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FOOKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD STEVEN ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FOOKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FOOK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FOOK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FOOKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FOK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FOKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFOKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely,
Little Johnny

“Beautiful”

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent,Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny."Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, foking beautiful!'"

“Little Johnny's little Bird”

Little Johnny was sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" Johnny replied, "It's my little bird!" She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. Johnny fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her. She replied, "I played with your little bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."

“Like Your Thinking”

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

U guys might wonder who is Little Johnny. He is a badass new kid in town. Here is he.......

“Like The Way You Thinking”

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

LOL great jokes keep it comming ...and thanks

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds andhundreds of Indians .And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to f@#k with the Lone Ranger."

"Moral"

In a classroom of third graders, the teacher says to the kids, "Today, class, we will be telling stories that have a moral to them." She explained what a moral to a story was and asked for volunteers. Little Suzie raises her hand. Suzie: " I live on a farm and we have a chicken that laid 12 eggs, we were excited to have 12 more chickens but only 6 of them hatched." Teacher: "That's a good story, now what is the moral?" Suzie: " Don't count your chickens before they are hatched." Teacher: "Very good Suzie, anyone else?" Ralphie: "Yes teacher, I was carrying some eggs I bought for my mom in my bicycle basket one day and I crashed my bike and all the eggs broke." Teacher: "That's a nice story, what is the moral?" Ralphie: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Teacher: " Very good Ralphie, anyone else?" Little Johnny: " Yes teacher, my Aunt Karen is in the army and when she was in the Gulf War, she parachuted down with only a gun, 20 bullets, a knife, and a six-pack of beer. On her way down, she drank the six pack. When she landed, she shot 20 Iraqis and killed ten of them with her knife." Teacher: "Very interesting, Johnny, what is the moral to your story?" Little Johnny: "Don't f@#k with Aunt Karen when she's drunk."

Little jonny went to his mother's bedrom and saw a small baby boy in her arms. He asked his father who that baby was. Little jonny's father said: "He is your younger brother, this morning a stork brought him here."

The little jonny said: "The town is filled with hot chicks and you went fu(king a stork, what a dumb ass."

One day a teacher was beginning her lesson when a boy named Jimmy walked in late. "Jimmy, why were you late," she said. "I was in the restroom," Jimmy responded. The next day, Bobby walked in late. When the teacher asked why Bobby was late, he replied, "I was in the library." The next day Lil Johnny was late. The teacher asked Johnny why he was late and he responded, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Then the day after that the teacher was interrupted by a girl who had come in late. Not recognizing the girl, the teacher asked, "Who are you?" The girl then responded, "I’m Cherry Hill."

i want to add one more .

a preety teacher was teaching in the class room. Littel johnny was behind the class not giving his attention. The teahcer asked, ' Johnny why are you so sad, you don't feel good now a days. what's problem? tell me. ' Johnny replied,' i am in love' . What you are in love ! , Yes, Johnny replied. With Whom ? she asked . He nervously said' With you'
Johnny, i will marry of own type and i don't like kid.
Johnny replied, ' Don't worry, i will use rubber/condom'

"Definitely"

A teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black." A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shitted my pants!"

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Johnny was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day Johnny went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran to his girlfriend. At home he found his girlfriend in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 postion. The moments later Johnny felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day Johnny went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" Johnny answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my girlfriend shit in my face, bit my winky, and her neighbours came out with their hands in the air ."

"Little Johnny's Time of the Month"

Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?" Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"
Little Johnny says, "Naw."The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!" Little Johnny says, "Nope."The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?" Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!

I got one
on a very famous camping site a hungry bear attacks the campers for food......
everyone runs for cover and the bear eats whatever he finds to eat..........in one of the tents he chugs down a bottle of Viagra pills that belonged to an old couple.......after a while.........he cant keep his di)ck down.......and in a sex(ual frenzy he rapes everything that moves in the jungle..........the deer, cougar, cats, dogs, etc etc.....moving on that night.......he was doing a fox and when he was done he asks the fox...."so mr fox how was it?"...the fox replies "it was good but I didnt know that Bears have such hairy di)cks........" the bear with a surprising look down and said " oops forgot to take the bunny out."

Each Friday after lunch the teacher would always give one of the students in her class the opportunity to have the remainder of the day off from class to get an early start on the weekend. Trick was, a question had to be answered correctly to be dismissed early. So one Friday the kids all report back to class, anxiously awaiting the teacher’s question in hopes they would get the chance to answer it correctly and head for home with an early start to their weekend. "All right now children," she said... "It’s question time...all pay attention and we’ll see who goes home early today." Little Johnny sits in the back...wriggling in his seat...anxious to get a crack at the question so he can go home. "OK, class...the question is....Who delivered the Gettysburg address??" Little Johnny’s hand shot into the air and waved wildly..... "All right, Sara...who is it?" "Abraham Lincoln", Little Sara exclaimed. "Have a nice weekend" the teacher said to her as she gathered her things and left the classroom. The following Friday was similar....the question was "Which President cut down the cherry tree?" Little Johnny knew the answer, but another student was picked, and answered correctly and on his way home. Little Johnny was really pissed off that he wasn’t being selected to answer the question...he came up with an idea for the next Friday. The next Thursday evening at home, Little Johnny took two ping pong balls out to the garage and spray painted them black, allowed them to dry carefully, then tucked them away in his book bag for the following day. Immediately after lunch that Friday as the students began to file back into the room for the next Friday Question...little Johnny grabbed the ping pong balls from his book bag and awaited the teacher to address the class....as she rose from her desk and was about to face the class he waited for just the right moment.... She looked at the class and said...."All right now class, it’s time for".... and at that very moment Little Johnny gave the two black ping pong balls a hefty toss along the floor to the front of the classroom.... Seing the balls bouncing along the floor.....the teacher exclaimed.. "ALL RIGHT...WHO’S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE TWO BLACK BALLS?????" Little Johnny hopped up from his seat before another sound could be made and excitedly replied... "Bill Cosby, Ma’am...See you Monday!!!!!!